Why do I get mad when people try to help me? The Secret Shield Pattern
Do you feel like advice is a personal attack? Learn why you use a 'Secret Shield' to make excuses and how to listen without feeling bad.
What is The Secret Shield?
The Secret Shield happens when a child was blamed for everything at home, even things they didn't do. Their brain learned to be a 'Lawyer' to stay safe. Now, as an adult, when someone gives a tip or says 'Try it this way,' they feel like they are being attacked. They immediately make excuses or say 'It wasn't me!' to keep their shield up.
Common Signs & Symptoms
The Lawyer Talk
Immediately giving 5 reasons why it wasn't your fault before the other person even finishes speaking.
The Spiky Suit
Feeling your body get tight and 'spiky' as soon as someone suggests a better way to do things.
The 'But You Did' Move
Pointing out the other person's mistakes just to stop them from talking about yours.
Common Triggers
Helpful Tips
When a partner says, 'Maybe try putting the keys here next time' and you feel like they are calling you stupid.
Work Feedback
When a boss or friend suggests a change, and you feel like you are about to be in 'trouble' like a kid.
How People Usually Respond
Building the Wall (Unhealthy)
Saying 'I only did it because you did this!' or 'It’s not my fault.'
The 30-Second Rule (Healthy)
Just listening for 30 seconds before saying a single word.
Self-Therapy Approach
How to Put Down the Spiky Shield
1. You Are Not in Trouble
When you were little, being 'wrong' meant being in big trouble. But today, you are an adult. Someone giving you a tip is not a judge, and you are not a criminal. Advice is just information—it's like someone telling you there is a faster way to drive home. It's not an attack on who you are.
2. The 30-Second Rule
Try this today: When someone gives you advice, don't say anything for 30 seconds. Just listen. Count to 30 in your head. This gives your brain time to realize that you are safe. After 30 seconds, you can decide if the advice is good or bad.
3. Not Everyone is a 'Smasher'
Some people might try to hurt you because they have their own scary patterns. But many people just want to help you grow! By listening first, you can see the difference. If they want to improve you, take the gift. If they want to hurt you, you can still stay calm and walk away.
4. Advice is a Tool, Not a Grade
Think of advice like a new tool for your toolbox. You can choose to use it, or you can choose to put it back. You don't have to make excuses for why your old tool was different. You can just say: 'Thanks, I'll think about that.'
5. Use the Mindeln App
Open Mindeln and use the 'Feedback Filter.' It helps you separate the 'Helpful Facts' from the 'Scary Feelings.' By looking at the first principles of growth, you can see that feedback is the fastest way to become the best version of you. You don't need a shield when you have a strong foundation.
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When to Seek Professional Help
If you feel like you are losing friends because you get angry whenever they try to help, or if you feel like everyone is 'against' you, talking to a guide can help. We can help you learn how to feel safe while becoming even better.
Scientific Background
The Science of Defensive Responses
The Survival Brain vs. The Growth Brain
When you were blamed as a kid, your 'Survival Brain' (the Amygdala) learned to see feedback as a threat. It triggers a 'Defense Response' that makes you want to hide or fight. To grow, we need to activate the 'Prefrontal Cortex'—the part of the brain that looks at logic and data.
First Principle: Information vs. Identity
The first principle of growth is that You are not your mistakes.
If you treat advice as a fact about the work, you grow. If you treat advice as a fact about your identity, you get defensive. Logic tells us to keep these two things separate.
Defensive Attribution
This is a habit where the brain 'attributes' any mistake to someone else to protect the 'Ego.' It’s a shield that worked in childhood but stops growth in adulthood. By waiting 30 seconds, you break this automatic habit.
The Mindeln Approach
How Mindeln Makes You Unstoppable
At Mindeln, we believe that the best builders are the best listeners.
The Mindeln Process
- Trigger Recognition: The app helps you see the 'heat' of defensiveness before you start making excuses.
- The 30-Second Timer: We provide a simple tool to help you pause and listen when someone is giving you feedback.
- Truth Seeking: Mindeln helps you focus on the truth of the situation so you can build a stronger, better life without needing a shield.
Final Thought
You don't need spikes to be safe anymore. You are strong enough to hear the truth and use it to win. Let's put down the shield and start building together with Mindeln. Your growth is waiting.