Why Some People Use You to Get a Laugh? Audience-Player Pattern
Does someone make fun of you just to look cool in front of others? Learn how to stop their 'show' and keep your feelings safe.
What is Audience-Player?
The Audience-Player is a pattern where someone uses you like a joke to make other people laugh. They 'spend' your feelings like money to buy friends and look like a leader. They only feel safe when they are leading a group, even if the group is mean.
Common Signs & Symptoms
The Public Joke
They only say mean things when other people are watching, so they can get a laugh.
Buying Friends
You feel like they are using you to make themselves look cool or funny to the group.
Fake Kindness
They might be nice when you are alone, but they turn mean as soon as an audience arrives.
Feeling Like a Toy
You feel like your heart is being used as a toy for the group's entertainment.
Common Triggers
Parties and Groups
Being in a place with many people where the person wants to be the star of the show.
Meeting New People
When the person wants to impress someone new by acting 'tough' or 'funny' at your expense.
Fear of Being Ignored
When the person is afraid no one is paying attention to them, so they start a 'mean show' to get eyes on them.
How People Usually Respond
Laughing Along (Unhealthy)
Pretending it doesn't hurt and laughing at the mean joke just to fit in.
Getting Very Mad (Unhealthy)
Yelling or crying, which gives the person the big reaction they wanted for their 'show.'
The No-Reaction Move (Healthy)
Giving no reaction at all. This makes their 'show' boring so people stop watching.
Self-Therapy Approach
How to Stop the Audience-Player's Show
1. Do Not Give a Reaction
The person wants you to get mad or feel sad so the audience can watch. If you don't play along, the 'show' becomes boring. If the show is boring, people will stop watching and the person will stop the pattern. Be as boring as a rock.
2. See the 'Buying' Action
When they say something mean, remind yourself: 'They are trying to buy friends with my feelings.' Realizing that they are the ones who feel weak helps you stay strong. You don't have to give them your 'money' (your feelings).
3. Walk Away Quietly
You do not have to stay and listen to a mean show. You can walk away and find people who are actually kind. You are not a toy, and you do not have to be part of their game.
4. Use the Mindeln Mirror
Open the Mindeln App and use the Mirror feature. Look for the part of you that wants to be liked by this group. Ask it: 'Is it worth being a joke just to be near these people?' Mindeln will help you see that you deserve real friends who don't use you.
5. Find Real Safety
Real safety comes from being with people who are kind when others are watching AND when you are alone. Look for friends who stand up for you instead of laughing at you. Those are the people who will help you grow.
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When to Seek Professional Help
Talk to a professional if you feel like you are being bullied every day and have no safe place to go. If you feel very sad or afraid to go to school or work because of a group, a therapist can help you find your voice and stay safe.
Scientific Background
The Science of Why Groups Get Mean
The Power Game
Inside a group, some people feel very scared. Their brain tells them: 'If you are not the leader, someone will pick on you'. To feel safe and stay on top, they use mean jokes to make others look small. It is a survival map they learned a long time ago.
The Laughter Echo (Mirror Neurons)
Our brains have special 'Mirror Neurons' that act like a mirror. When we see someone laugh, our brain wants to copy them automatically. The Audience-Player uses this trick to make the whole group feel 'together' by being mean to one person. They use the group's laughter to hide their own fear.
Breaking the Reaction Machine
Science shows that we can stop mean behavior by ending the 'Feedback Loop'. When you don't give a reaction, the mean person's 'show' becomes boring.
The Mindeln Approach
How Mindeln Heals Social Pain
At Mindeln, we use Internal Family Systems (IFS) to look at the 'People Pleaser Part' that wants to laugh along with the group.
The Mindeln Process
- Acknowledge the Hurt: It is hard to be the center of a mean joke. We help you be kind to yourself first.
- Identify the 'Safe' Need: Use the Mindeln Mirror to see that the person being mean is actually the one who feels most unsafe.
- Build Core Confidence: Mindeln helps you build a 'Core Self' that doesn't need approval from mean groups to feel valuable.