Emotional Glue Pattern: Why You Can't Stop Fixing Everyone's Fights
Do you feel like it is your job to make everyone happy? Learn why you try to be the 'glue' for your family and how to let go of other people's problems.
What is Emotional Glue?
The Emotional Glue is a pattern where you feel responsible for the feelings of everyone around you. If two people you love are fighting, you run back and forth to make them stop, even if it makes you feel tired and heavy.
Common Signs & Symptoms
The Fixer Mode
You jump into the middle of every argument to try and bring peace.
Forgetting Your Own Day
You stop working or having fun because you are too worried about someone else's bad mood.
Feeling Heavy
You feel a heavy weight in your chest when the people around you are not getting along.
The Invisible Helper
You think that if you don't help, the whole family or group will fall apart.
Common Triggers
Hearing Loud Voices
When you hear people arguing or speaking with angry tones.
Cold Silence
When two people are not talking to each other and the room feels 'icy'.
Home Memories
Seeing a woman in your house (like a mother or grandmother) always working to keep everyone happy.
How People Usually Respond
The Mediator (Unhealthy)
Running between two people to explain what the other person 'really' meant.
Over-Pleasing (Unhealthy)
Doing extra chores or being extra funny just to lower the tension in the house.
Healthy Distance (Healthy)
Saying 'This is not my problem' and letting the two people talk it out themselves.
Self-Therapy Approach
How to Stop Being the Emotional Glue
1. Stop and Drop the Glue
Next time you see a fight, do not jump in. Stay in your room or continue your work. Watch the fight from a distance. Notice that the world does not end just because people are shouting. You are not the 'fixer.'
2. Use the 'Exit Sentence'
When people try to pull you into their fight, say this: 'I do not want to involve myself in this. This is your problem to solve. I feel very heavy and tired when I have to be in the middle.' If they keep pushing, just walk away.
3. Realize Fighting is Normal (For Them)
Some people use fighting as a way to talk. If it is their pattern, you cannot change it by being nice. Let them have their fight. It is their journey, not yours.
4. Find the Root in the Mirror
Ask yourself: 'Why do I feel unsafe when others are mad?' Usually, it's because you learned that 'No fight = I am safe.' Use the Mindeln Mirror to see where this belief came from in your childhood. Was it your mom? Your grandma? See the line connecting them to you.
5. Build Your Own Joy
Spend the energy you usually use on others to do something for you. Go for a run in your city, read a book, or work on your own project. Your happiness should not depend on how other people feel.
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When to Seek Professional Help
Talk to a professional if you feel like you have no identity outside of your family. Seek help if you feel 'burned out' or exhausted from always taking care of others' emotions, or if you feel guilty every time you try to do something for yourself.
Scientific Background
The Science of the Peacekeeper
Parentification and Triangulation
Psychologists call this 'Parentification.' This is when a child feels they have to take care of the parents' feelings. It also creates something called 'Triangulation.' This is when two people in a fight use a third person (you) to talk to each other. This is very stressful for the third person.
Mirror Neurons and Empathy
Our brains have 'Mirror Neurons.' They help us feel what others feel. For 'Emotional Glues,' these neurons are extra sensitive. You feel the anger of others as if it is your own. You need to learn how to turn the volume down on these signals so you can stay calm.
The Stress of Constant Fixing
Always being the 'glue' keeps your body in 'Fight or Flight' mode. This means your brain is always looking for danger. Over time, this makes your immune system weak and makes it hard to focus on your own life goals.
The Mindeln Approach
How Mindeln Helps You Set Boundaries
At Mindeln, we use Internal Family Systems (IFS) to look at your 'Peacekeeper Part.' This part is like a small child trying to stop a storm.
The Mindeln Process
- Acknowledge the Glue: Thank your 'Peacekeeper Part' for trying to keep the family together. It did its job for a long time.
- Identify the Burden: Use the Mindeln Mirror to see how much 'heaviness' you are carrying for others.
- Release the Duty: Realize that adults are responsible for their own feelings. You are allowed to be happy even if someone else is mad.