Mirror-Thrower Pattern: Why People Throw Their Shame at You
When people are mean to you because you are happy, they are usually just 'throwing' their own shame. Learn how to let the 'hot potato' fall to the floor.
What is Mirror-Thrower?
The Mirror-Thrower is a pattern where someone feels a lot of shame inside. Because their shame feels like a hot potato that burns their hands, they try to throw it at you by saying mean things. They want you to feel ashamed so that they can feel cool and safe.
Common Signs & Symptoms
The Shame Attack
When you share good news, the other person says something to make you feel bad or embarrassed.
Feeling the 'Burn'
You suddenly feel small or 'wrong' after talking to a person, even though you did nothing bad.
Mean Words for No Reason
A person attacks your success or happiness because they cannot handle seeing you feel good.
Catching the Feeling
You start to believe the mean things they said and you carry their shame for the rest of the day.
Common Triggers
Your Success
When you do something well, like getting a good grade or a new job.
Your Happiness
Simply being in a good mood can make a Mirror-Thrower feel the 'heat' of their own shame.
Their Own Failures
When they feel like they are losing, they look for someone to 'throw' their bad feelings at.
How People Usually Respond
Catching the Potato (Unhealthy)
Apologizing or feeling bad about yourself because of their mean words.
Throwing It Back (Unhealthy)
Getting mad and saying mean things back, which just keeps the 'hot potato' moving.
Letting It Fall (Healthy)
Realizing the mean words are about *them*, not *you*, and letting the feeling fall to the floor.
Self-Therapy Approach
How to Stop Catching the Hot Potato
1. Imagine the Potato
When someone says something mean to hurt your feelings, imagine they are holding a burning hot potato. They are throwing it at you because it hurts them. You do not have to put your hands out. Just step back and watch it fall to the floor.
2. Say: 'It's About Them'
In your mind, repeat this sentence: 'Their words are about their heart, not mine.' This helps you remember that you are not the problem. They are just trying to get rid of their own shame.
3. Do Not Catch the Words
When you hear a mean comment, take a slow breath. Do not believe the words. If you don't 'catch' the words in your heart, they cannot burn you. You can even feel a little sorry for the person because their hands are burning so much.
4. Check Your Own Hands
Sometimes, we are the ones throwing the hot potato! Notice if you ever say something mean to someone who is happy. Ask yourself: 'Am I feeling ashamed right now?' Being aware of this is the first step to stopping the pattern.
5. Use the Mindeln Mirror
Open the Mindeln App and use the Mirror feature. This tool is named after this exact pattern! Use it to see if you are throwing shame at others or if you are catching it from them. Look at the lines that connect your past to these feelings. You will find that shame is just an old feeling that you can finally put down.
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When to Seek Professional Help
Talk to someone if you are constantly surrounded by people who make you feel ashamed. If you feel like you are always 'wrong' or 'bad,' or if you are the one hurting others to feel better, a professional can help you cool down the shame inside.
Scientific Background
The Science of Psychological Projection
What is Projection?
Psychologists call this 'Projection.' It is like having a movie projector in your head. Instead of looking at their own 'scary movie' (shame), they project it onto you. They see their own flaws in you so they don't have to feel them.
The Shame Cycle
Shame is one of the most painful feelings. When we feel shame, our brain goes into 'Panic Mode.' The brain wants to get rid of the feeling as fast as possible. Throwing it at someone else is a fast (but bad) way to feel better for a few seconds.
Mirror Neurons and Feelings
Our brains have 'Mirror Neurons.' They help us feel what others feel. If someone is full of shame, your brain might 'copy' that feeling. You have to use your 'Thinking Brain' (Prefrontal Cortex) to realize the feeling does not belong to you.
The Mindeln Approach
How Mindeln Breaks the Shame Mirror
At Mindeln, we use Internal Family Systems (IFS) to look at the 'Shamer Part' of the mind. This part thinks that making others look bad will make you look good.
The Mindeln Process
- Find the Potato: Use the app to track when you feel sudden shame. Is it yours, or did someone throw it?
- Use the Mirror: The Mindeln Mirror lets you see that the words people say are often a reflection of their own internal world.
- Cool Down the Heart: We help you heal the 'Burned Part' of you that was treated badly as a child. When you heal your own shame, you stop needing to throw it at others.