Why do I try to save everyone? The Fixer Pattern
Do you jump in to solve every problem for the people you love? Learn why you should let them struggle and how to find real love.
What is The Fixer?
The Fixer pattern often starts when you were a kid and felt you had to solve the big people's problems to be safe. You learned that being 'useful' is the only way to be loved. Now, you jump in to help before anyone even asks. You don't let people struggle, but this actually keeps them weak and keeps you tired.
Common Signs & Symptoms
The Advice Machine
Giving people answers to their problems before they even ask for your help.
Doing Their Work
Spending your own time and energy to fix a mistake that someone else made.
The Fear of Not Being Needed
Feeling scared that if your friends become strong, they won't need you and might leave you.
Common Triggers
A Friend in Trouble
Hearing a friend or partner talk about a problem makes your brain want to 'fix it' right now.
The Wrong Way
Watching someone do something 'the wrong way' and feeling like you must grab the tool and do it yourself.
The Heavy Silence
When someone is thinking or struggling quietly, and you feel you must fill the air with solutions.
How People Usually Respond
The Rescue (Unhealthy)
Jumping in to solve the problem. This makes you feel powerful for a second, but it makes the other person feel small and weak.
The Support (Healthy)
Staying near them while they struggle. You don't fix it; you just let them know you are there. This lets them grow.
Self-Therapy Approach
How to Stop Fixing and Start Connecting
1. Let Them Struggle
Imagine you are watching a butterfly try to get out of its shell. If you cut the shell open to 'help' it, the butterfly will never be strong enough to fly. People are the same! Let them fail. Let them try again. This is how they build their own wings.
2. The Truth Alert
Think about this very carefully: If you are always the one saving everyone, you don't actually know if they love you. You only know that they love your help. If you allow them to be strong and do it alone, you will finally see the real love they have for just being with you.
3. Need vs. Love
There is a big difference between someone 'needing' you and 'loving' you. You want to be loved, not just used like a tool. Realize that people can love you even if they don't need your help with every little thing.
4. Sit with the Worry
When you see someone struggling, you will feel a 'sting' in your chest. That is your old brain trying to protect you. Sit quietly and breathe. Tell yourself: 'They are smart. They can handle this. I am safe even if I do nothing.'
5. Use the Mindeln App
Open Mindeln and try the 'Helper Mirror.' It helps you see when you are fixing things to hide your own fear. By using logic, you can learn to be a partner instead of a parent. You can finally put down the heavy load of everyone else's problems.
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When to Seek Professional Help
# When to Seek Help You should talk to a guide if: * You feel like you have no life of your own because you are always solving other people's problems. * You feel very angry (resentment) because you help everyone but no one helps you. * You are choosing friends or partners who are always 'broken' just so you can fix them. * You feel a big panic if someone tells you, 'I don't need your help right now.' A guide can help you find your value so you can feel loved for who you are, not just for what you do.
Scientific Background
The Science of Over-Helping
Codependency and the Brain
In science, this is often part of Codependency. The 'Fixer' gets a hit of dopamine (the happy chemical) when they save someone. But this creates a cycle where the other person never learns to save themselves.
The Logic of True Worth
At Mindeln, we look at the math of your value. Your old brain used this broken formula:
But the real logic for a healthy person is:
Logic shows that you cannot have an Authentic Connection if one person is always the 'Boss' and the other is always the 'Patient.' For real love, both people must be strong.
Co-Regulation vs. Controlling
When we see someone we love in pain, our own nervous system feels it. This is 'Mirroring.' The Fixer tries to stop the other person's pain just to stop their own pain. Learning to stay calm while others are in pain is a key part of being a strong leader.
The Mindeln Approach
How Mindeln Makes You a Partner, Not a Savior
At Mindeln, we believe that you deserve to be loved for your heart, not your services. We help you find the 'Rescue' pattern before it burns you out. We give you 'Stillness Missions' to help you practice watching others succeed on their own. Mindeln helps you build a life where you are the leader of your own happiness. Ready to see real love? Start your journey with Mindeln.
Common Questions
Q: If I stop helping, will they still love me?
A: Yes! Real love is about who you ARE, not just what you DO. If you always help, you never get to see if they love the real you or just your help.
Q: Is it mean to let someone I love fail?
A: No. Struggling is how people get strong. When you fix everything, you are taking away their chance to grow. Letting them try is a very kind thing to do.
Q: How do I stop myself from jumping in to save the day?
A: By using the 'Wait Rule.' Give them space to handle it. You will see that they are stronger than you think, and you can finally relax.