Why do I want to hide when people get too close? The Hide and Seek Pattern
Do you stop answering texts when a friend gets too close? Learn why your brain thinks being 'invisible' is safe and how to stop hiding.
What is The Hide and Seek Pattern?
The Hide and Seek pattern happens when someone learned as a child that being quiet and staying out of the way was the only way to be 'good.' Now, as an adult, when someone wants to be very close, they feel like they are 'disappearing.' To save themselves, they hide by not answering texts or staying alone.
Common Signs & Symptoms
The Ghost Move
You stop answering messages or calls for a few days because you feel 'crowded.'
Building a Wall
Finding excuses to be alone even when you actually like the person who wants to see you.
Feeling Erased
Thinking that if you spend too much time with someone, the 'real you' will go away.
Common Triggers
Too Much Togetherness
When a partner or friend asks to spend every day with you.
Deep Conversations
When someone asks you personal questions that make you feel 'seen' or 'exposed.'
How People Usually Respond
Running and Hiding (Unhealthy)
Cutting off the person without explaining why. This hurts the relationship.
The 5-Minute Rule (Healthy)
Staying for just a little longer and telling the person you need a short break but will come back.
Self-Therapy Approach
How to Stop Hiding and Start Connecting
1. Understand Your 'Invisibility' Shield
When you were little, your parents were very busy. You learned that being 'invisible' was a superpower that made you a 'good kid.' But now, you don't need to be invisible to be loved. You are allowed to take up space.
2. The 5-Minute Challenge
Next time you feel like running away, try to stay for just 5 more minutes. It’s like exercise for your brave muscles. After 5 minutes, you can leave, but you showed your brain that you are safe even when people are close.
3. Use Your Words, Not Your Absence
Instead of just disappearing, try saying this: 'I am having a great time, but I need a little bit of quiet time for myself. I will text you later tonight.' This tells the other person they didn't do anything wrong.
4. Step-by-Step Exposure
Don't try to be around people all day if it's too much. Start small. Go to a movie or a coffee shop for an hour. Slowly show your brain that being seen by others won't make you disappear.
5. Track Your 'Hide' Moments in Mindeln
Open the Mindeln App and use the 'Closeness Tracker.' See when you feel the need to hide. When you see the pattern, you can use logic to remind yourself: 'I am safe, I am real, and I am not disappearing.'
Start Your 3-Day Free Trial
Use Mindeln's structured approach to track and transform this pattern
When to Seek Professional Help
If you find that you have no close friends because you always run away, or if you feel very lonely but too scared to let anyone in, a professional can help you learn how to feel safe while being seen.
Scientific Background
The Science of Why We Hide
Avoidant Attachment
In psychology, this is often called 'Avoidant Attachment.' If a child's emotional needs weren't met because parents were busy, the child learns to rely only on themselves. They view closeness as a 'threat' to their independence.
First Principle: Autonomy vs. Intimacy
The first principle of this pattern is a conflict between being 'me' and being 'us.' To a Hide-and-Seeker, being part of an 'us' feels like losing the 'me.' Logic shows us that you can be both at the same time—you don't have to choose.
The Overwhelmed Nervous System
When people get too close, the brain's 'alarm' goes off. It thinks you are being hunted or trapped. By using slow exposure, we teach the nervous system that a hug or a long conversation is not a trap, but a connection.
The Mindeln Approach
How Mindeln Helps You Come Out of Hiding
At Mindeln, we help you realize that being seen is not dangerous.
The Mindeln Process
- Identify the 'Squeeze': The app helps you recognize that tight feeling in your chest when someone gets too close.
- Logic Scripts: We give you simple things to say so you can ask for space without 'ghosting' your friends.
- Safe Connection: Mindeln provides a safe space to be honest about your fears, helping you build a bridge back to the world.
Final Thought
You aren't losing yourself when you are with others; you are sharing yourself. You were a good kid for being quiet back then, but you are a brave adult for being heard now. Let's come out of hiding together with Mindeln.