How to Heal My Attachment Style?: A Guide to Attachment Styles

How to Heal My Attachment Style?: A Guide to Attachment Styles

Have you ever wondered why you do the things you do when you like someone? Maybe you get a little scared when they don't text back. Or maybe you want to hide when things get too serious.

It turns out, your heart has a rulebook. But here is the secret: You didn't write the rules.

How the Rules Started

When you were a very small child, you were like a little scientist. You watched everything. You watched how the big people in your life treated you.

If you cried, did they come to help?

If you were happy, did they cheer for you?

If you were scared, did they hold your hand?

Your brain took all that information and wrote a list of rules. These rules told you how to stay safe and how to get love.

Why We Are Still Following Them

Even though you are big now, your brain still uses that old rulebook. It thinks those rules are the only way to keep you safe.

Sometimes these rules are great! They help us be kind and trust people. But sometimes, the rules are a bit "glitchy." They might tell you to run away when someone is nice, or to yell when you are actually just sad.

The good news is that rulebooks can be updated. We can look at the old rules, say "thank you" for trying to keep us safe, and then write better ones together.

The Four Houses of the Heart

Imagine that the rules in your heart built a house for you to live in. Every person lives in one of these four houses. They look different because of what happened when we were very small.

1. The Secure House (The Sunny Home)

In this house, your parents were like a steady, warm sun.

When you were little: If you cried, they came to help. If you were happy, they cheered. You learned that people are safe.

Now: If you have a fight with a friend, you stay calm. You say, "I feel sad," instead of shouting. You believe that things will work out because the sun always comes back up.

2. The Anxious House (The Flickering Light)

In this house, the light was flickering. Sometimes it was bright and warm, but sometimes it went dark or the big people were too busy.

When you were little: You never knew if the light would stay on. You learned to keep checking it every second to make sure you weren't alone.

Now: If a partner doesn't text back fast, your "Alarm Bell" goes off. Your brain thinks the light went out forever. You might send lots of messages like, "Are you mad?" or "Do you still love me?" You feel like you can't breathe until they tell you everything is okay.

3. The Avoidant House (The Hidden Castle)

In this house, it felt a bit cold. Maybe you were told to "be a big kid" and stop crying.

When you were little: You learned that asking for help didn't work. So, you decided to do everything by yourself. You built a big wall around your heart.

Now: When someone wants to talk about deep feelings, you feel "trapped." You might act like a robot or feel like you are in a small cage. Your brain tells you to run away so you can feel free again.

4. The Fearful House (The Gas and the Brakes)

This house is very confusing. Think of it like a car.

The "Gas" Pedal: One part of you wants to get close because you are lonely and "hungry" for love.

The "Brakes": Another part of you hits the brakes because you are scared of getting hurt.

Why it happened: When you were little, the person who was supposed to be your "Safe Place" was also the person who made you feel scared. Your brain got a very hard rule to follow: "Safety = The person who scares me."

Now: You want to run toward someone and away from them at the exact same time. You say, "I need you, but I am afraid of you."

Questions About Your Heart

Now that you know which house you live in, you probably have some big questions. Let's look at the answers together.

Can my attachment style become "Secure" again?

Yes! Your brain is amazing. It can learn new rules. But here is the truth: attachment styles were broken in relationships, so they need relationships to heal. You need proof. You need to see that someone stays even when you are scared or "hungry" for love. Finding someone who wants to work on this with you is a very solid solution.

Can I fix my style without a relationship?

You can learn a lot by yourself. You can read books and practice being kind. But the real work happens when you are with someone else. You need to feel the fear and see that you are still okay. It is like learning to ride a bike—you can read about it, but you have to get on the bike to truly learn.

Why do these styles happen?

They happen because your brain is trying to keep you alive. When you were a baby, you couldn't get food or safety by yourself. You had to learn the "code" of your parents to survive. If the code was confusing, your house became a bit shaky.

I have a "Fearful" style. What happened to me?

In the Fearful (Disorganized) House, things were very confusing. The person who was supposed to be your "Safe Place" was also the person who made you feel scared. Your brain got a "bug" that says: Safety = Fear. This makes you want to run toward someone and away from them at the exact same time. It's not your fault; your brain was just trying to solve a very hard puzzle.

Why does my partner act so upset if I wait 5 minutes to text?

To someone in the Anxious House, a slow text feels like the light went out. Their brain says, "They are gone! They don't love me!" They aren't trying to be mean; their "Alarm Bell" is just very loud. They need to learn that people have busy lives and responsibilities, but they also need you to be steady for a while to help them heal.

How to Fix Your Patterns

Knowing your house is the first step. The second step is taking action. Here are some "patches" for your house:

For the Anxious House

Instead of guessing: You must ask: "Are you mad, or are you just tired?"

The Message Rule: Send one nice message and then let them answer. If they don't, it is mostly about them and their day, not about you.

The Goal: Try to understand that people cannot always be there. Life changes a lot. Work on trying to trust.

For the Avoidant House

Open a window: You don't have to open the whole castle door. Just open one small window. Say: "I feel like I'm turning into a wall. Give me 10 minutes to breathe, and then I will try to talk."

Stay a little longer: Instead of hiding all day, try to stay for just five minutes. Say, "I need a little break, but I'll be back soon."

For the Fearful House

Name the Part: When you feel the "Gas" and the "Brakes" at the same time, stop. Name this part of you. Ask: "What is wrong?"

Talk about it: Tell your partner about your style. Explain that you need them to be steady for a while. When you see that you are still okay even when things feel uncomfortable, you will know everything is fine.

At Mindeln, we have tools to help you:

Mindeln's Mirror: Use this to talk to the different parts of your mind. You can figure out why you feel "trapped" or "scared."

Mindeln's Roadmap: Go to Relationships -> Resolving Conflicts to see exactly how to talk when things get hard.

Remember, you only need to find one person who always tells you the truth to see that the world is different. You are big now. You can change your social circles. You can choose to be with people who make you feel safe.

Share this article with your partner and start with having a conversation about your attachment styles. You can discover more with Mindeln.