Why does my friend always try to one-up my stories? The Climber Pattern
Does someone always try to 'beat' your story? Learn why they try to climb over you and how to stay strong.
What is The 'My Version is Better' Pattern?
The 'My Version is Better' pattern happens when someone feels they are only 'good' if they are the best. They use your stories like a ladder. They try to climb over you by saying they did something bigger, faster, or sooner just to feel like they are worth something.
Common Signs & Symptoms
The Story War
When you tell a good story, they immediately tell one that sounds even bigger.
The 'Years Ago' Trick
They say, 'Oh, I did that years ago,' to make your new win feel old and small.
Climbing Over You
It feels like they are standing on your shoulders to look taller than you.
Missing Cheers
They never say 'Good job!' They only say 'Well, listen to what I did.'
Common Triggers
Sharing Your Joy
When you are excited about something you just finished or learned.
Getting Praise
When other people are telling you that you did a great job.
Being Proud
When you show that you are happy with yourself.
How People Usually Respond
Fighting Back (Unhealthy)
Trying to prove your story is actually better. This just starts a 'story war.'
Shrinking Down (Unhealthy)
Feeling like your win doesn't matter and stopping your story halfway through.
Using Honesty (Healthy)
Telling them how it feels when they try to 'beat' your story instead of listening.
Self-Therapy Approach
How to Stand Tall When Others Try to Climb Over You
1. See the Broken Ladder
Remember, they are not trying to hurt you; they are trying to save themselves. They feel like they are 'nothing' unless they are 'the best.' When they one-up you, they are just looking for a ladder to feel safe. It is about them, not you.
2. Don't Enter the Race
You don't have to run faster just because they started racing. If they say, 'I did it better,' you can just say, 'That sounds cool too!' and keep your own joy. You don't need their 'okay' to be proud.
3. Use Your Voice
If this person is close to you, be honest. Say: 'I was really excited to share this with you. When you say you did it better, I feel like you aren't really happy for me.'
4. Find Your Real Fans
Real friends are like a cheering team. They don't want to be 'above' you; they want to be 'beside' you. Spend more time with people who say 'Tell me more!' instead of 'I did it better.'
5. Check the Mindeln Mirror
Open the Mindeln App and look at your 'Connection Logic.' Ask yourself: 'Am I trying to win their love, or am I just being me?' Mindeln helps you see that you are already enough, even if you never win a single race.
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Use Mindeln's structured approach to track and transform this pattern
When to Seek Professional Help
If you feel like you are always 'losing' to your friends or family, or if you feel small every time you talk to them, talking to a guide can help. You deserve to have people in your life who let you shine without trying to dim your light.
Scientific Background
The Science of the 'Better' Brain
Conditional Love Patterns
Many 'One-Uppers' learned as children that they were only loved when they were 'better' than their brother, sister, or friends. This is called 'Conditional Positive Regard.' Their brain thinks: 'If I am not #1, I am invisible.'
The Social Status Drive
In our brains, we have a part that looks at where we stand in the group. For some, seeing someone else win feels like a 'threat' to their status. They try to 'climb' back up by minimizing your win to keep their ego safe.
First Principle Thinking
If we break a relationship down to its 'tiny bricks,' the goal is connection. If someone uses every conversation to 'win,' they are breaking the connection brick to protect the ego brick. Logic tells us that a winning ego equals a losing relationship.
The Mindeln Approach
How Mindeln Helps You Stay Solid
At Mindeln, we use first principles to help you see the truth behind the words.
The Mindeln Way
- Identify the 'Climb': The app helps you spot when a conversation turns into a competition.
- Detach from the Race: We use logic tools to show you that your worth is a fact, not a score.
- Speak the Truth: Mindeln gives you simple scripts to be honest with 'One-Uppers' without being mean.
Final Thought
You don't need to be the 'best' to be loved. You just need to be real. While they are busy climbing ladders, you can be busy building a life you love. Real growth happens when we stop competing and start connecting. Let's build that together with Mindeln.