Why do I push people away when I start to like them? The Testing Monster Pattern
Do you pick fights just when things are getting good? Learn how to talk to the 'Monster' inside that is trying to keep your heart safe.
What is The Testing Monster?
The Testing Monster happens when someone you loved let you down as a child. Your brain learned a scary rule: 'Love is not safe.' Now, when you feel close to someone, a 'Monster' wakes up. It picks fights or acts mean on purpose. It wants the other person to leave now, because it thinks it will hurt less than if they leave later.
Common Signs & Symptoms
The 'Hurt You First' Fight
Starting a fight about something tiny just to see if the other person will stay or run.
The Cold Wall
Acting like you don't care or being mean right after a very happy or romantic moment.
The Safety Test
Thinking: 'If they can handle me at my worst, then I can trust them.' But this test often breaks the relationship.
Common Triggers
Deep Happiness
Feeling very happy and safe with someone makes the Monster worry that a 'disaster' is coming.
Sharing Secrets
When you tell someone a secret, the Monster feels 'exposed' and tries to start a fight to hide again.
How People Usually Respond
Burning the Bridge (Unhealthy)
Being so mean that the other person actually leaves. This makes the Monster feel 'right,' but it leaves you lonely.
Naming the Part (Healthy)
Talking to the Monster and telling your partner: 'A part of me is scared right now.'
Self-Therapy Approach
How to Tame the Testing Monster
1. Meet Your Monster
Your Monster is not 'bad.' It is actually a part of you that is trying to be a bodyguard. It remembers when people let you down, and it doesn't want you to feel that pain again. The next time you feel like being mean, stop and say: 'Hello, Monster. I see you are trying to protect me. Thank you, but I am safe right now.'
2. Name the Fear
When the Monster starts a fight, ask it a simple question: 'What is wrong? What are you actually scared of?' Usually, the answer is: 'I'm scared they will leave me.' Once you know the truth, the Monster gets smaller.
3. Talk to Your Team
Tell your partner about the Monster. You can say: 'I feel a bit scared because I like you so much. A part of me wants to push you away to stay safe. Can we just sit together and talk about it?' It feels uncomfortable at first, but it is the fastest way to feel fine again.
4. Prove the Monster Wrong
The Monster thinks that if you are mean, people will leave. Show it that you are still okay. By staying kind and honest, you build a bond that is stronger than any test.
5. Use Mindeln's Mirror
Open the Mindeln App and use the Mindeln Mirror. It is a tool that helps you talk to different parts of yourself. You can look at the Monster step-by-step and see that it is just a scared child in a big suit. By being honest with your 'Mirror,' you learn to lead your own life instead of letting the Monster drive the car.
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When to Seek Professional Help
If you find that you have pushed away every good person in your life, or if you feel like you are 'on fire' with anger whenever you feel loved, talking to a guide can help you find peace. You don't have to fight your battles alone.
Scientific Background
The Science of Self-Sabotage
Negative Reinforcement
In the brain, the 'Testing Monster' uses something called 'Negative Reinforcement.' It thinks that if it causes a fight now, it avoids the 'Big Pain' later. This makes the brain feel a temporary relief, which makes the habit stronger.
First Principle: The Goal of Defense
The first principle of any behavior is 'Survival.' Your brain prioritizes 'Not getting hurt' over 'Being happy.' At Mindeln, we help you shift your logic. We show you that 'Connection' is actually a better survival tool than 'Isolation.'
The Amygdala's Preemptive Strike
The 'Monster' is actually your Amygdala (the fear center) doing a 'Preemptive Strike.' It attacks first to control the outcome. By using logic and naming the part, you move the control back to your 'Thinking Brain' (the Prefrontal Cortex).
The Mindeln Approach
How Mindeln Calms Your Internal Monster
At Mindeln, we don't believe in 'fixing' you—we believe in understanding your 'parts.'
The Mindeln Process
- Mirror Talk: Use the app to talk to your scared parts and understand why they are 'testing' others.
- Honesty Missions: We give you simple scripts to share your fears with your partner without starting a storm.
- Safety Logic: Mindeln helps you build a logic foundation that shows you love is a project, not a trap.
Final Thought
You don't need a monster to protect you anymore. Your honesty and your logic are your new powers. Let's look into the Mindeln Mirror together and see the brave person behind the mask. Your heart is safe here.